- Pick cat up & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat’s mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Repeat step one.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines & vases & discard.
- Wrap cat in large towel & get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow on straw.
- Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, eat a piece of chocolate to take taste away. Put Band-Aids on spouse’s arm. Remove blood from carpet with spot cleaner.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill & another (big) piece of chocolate. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Eat chocolate; Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve your cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie the little darling’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining room table, locate heavy duty pruning gloves. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of all chocolate candy in home. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. (Adopted From www.gardentenders.com)
DOG: 1.
Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
