The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays…
RULES FOR THIS DIET: 
1.) If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2.) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3.) When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4.) Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5.) If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6.) Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
7.) Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8.) Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9.) Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10.) Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11.) Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12.) Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
2.) If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3.) When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4.) Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5.) If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6.) Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
7.) Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8.) Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9.) Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10.) Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11.) Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12.) Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
AND REMEMBER! - STRESSED spelled backwards = DESSERTS - Adopted from http://www.corsinet.com/braincandy/hdiet3.html
