Post-Split Holiday Do’s And Don’ts

Making merry can feel daunting and unappealing after the demise of a marriage, but by taking the right steps, you can have a spectacular solo holiday season. Here are some moves to make (and some to avoid!) when making the most of your new singlehood.

• DO start your own new traditions. “Divorce is the perfect time to assess and re-create your life as you want it to be,” says Elinor Robin, Ph.D., mediator with A Friendly Divorce in Boca Raton, FL. Also, “Ask yourself, ‘What do I really want to do over this holiday?’ and design rituals you’ll want to follow for years to come,” says Robin. If you see this as your chance to play host, for instance, arrange a signature event you can hold and call your own -  maybe a New Year’s Day bagel brunch or a pre-midnight Mass dinner.
• DO reach out to friends and family far and wide. People can get stuck in a holiday rut during a marriage - they go where they always go, see the same people each time. But now you’re free to connect with folks you might be missing or new people you find interesting. “If you worry that you might feel trapped with people you don’t know that well, create limits on the time and activities so that you don’t feel overly obligated,” suggests Sam J. Buser, Ph.D.
• DO treat yourself. Put yourself at the top of your gifting list. Showing self-love needn’t be with a material  object. “Take care of yourself during the holidays,” says Latz. “De-stress in healthy ways, with exercise and/or a massage.”
• DON’T succumb to peer pressure. “Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what traditions are good for you during the holidays, yet you may need to re-evaluate priorities and re-examine expectations,” says Wolfelt. “Ask yourself: ‘Do I really enjoy this, or am I doing it just to be doing it in the spirit of tradition?’” If you’re not in the mood for your aunt Sarah’s rubbery latkes (or her probing questions), skip  her Hanukkah party.
• DON’T fight the memories of spending holidays gone by with your ex. “It’s all but impossible to block out holiday memories spent with a former spouse, and these memories can bring about sudden, sharp feelings of grief,” says Wolfelt. “This is a normal, necessary part of the divorce experience. When and if it strikes, be compassionate with yourself and don’t be ashamed of your vulnerability.” Rather than deny it when strong feelings surface, Wolfelt suggests calling a supportive friend to share the experience.
• DON’T isolate yourself. “Don’t make the mistake of totally withdrawing because you don’t want to ‘burden’ people,” says Wolfelt. “Look for family and friends who can provide non-judgmental support. Simply being out among people may positively affect your mood, even if flying solo - go ice skating, poke around a gourmet grocery, take in a holiday concert.
• DON’T go overboard. Whether it’s pigging out on pumpkin pie or getting into debt with a mile-long gift list, temptation runs rampant during the holidays.
• DON’T leap into something deep too quickly. Parties, attractive new people, and possibly even a few dates come part and parcel with this festive time. Which is all good - as long as you avoid dating with your eggnog goggles on. “Don’t jump into a new relationship just because you prefer not to be alone,” says Robin. “Enjoy the holiday season as a single!” If you are seeing someone new, “Put some limits on joint holiday plans to reduce expectations and anxieties,” says Buser. Take your time, get your bearings, and move ahead slowly, making sure that taking care of yourself is job number one. (Adopted Fromhttp://yahoo.match.com)